The Happyist

When we think about dreams, we’re thinking about what it is we want- as an end goal. But why do we focus so much on the thing we cannot control, rather than the aspects that we can? 

I think I have been obsessed with the idea of greatness my entire life. My father will recall a story about me to anyone who will listen of a time I was sat doing homework on a Saturday afternoon. He was in the other room and would periodically pop in to check on me. On one occasion he came in and could see I had nearly filled two pages in my book and was clearly not in need of any help. The next time he popped in, maybe 20 minutes later, I appeared to have started again and only written a few lines. He asked me what I was doing and I told him I had made a mistake and had started again. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was already living with a perfectionism that would cripple me later in life. As a child, I certainly never saw it as a negative and as I grew I only used it as ammunition and evidence to attest to a devoted work ethic. 

Our greatest weaknesses are our greatest strengths gone too far and, to this day, my committed work ethic is mine.  

Time and time again I have questioned if I am causing myself angst and if I need to try to alter the way I approach my working life. Instead, I have begun to ask myself this: what is it I am working for? 

I have watched the film and television award ceremonies for as long as I can remember. I am captivated by watching an individual experience a moment of pure validation- it is a moment that not many people are afforded in their careers- a moment in which they stand up and are acknowledged as being great in their chosen field. This year, watching Timothée Chalamet at the SAG awards I was filled with a sense of respect for his words. He stood up and admitted to wanting to be remembered as one of the greats and that is what he is working for. If I could ask him, I would love to know if he thinks he is going to know the point where he’s actually done it. When would he feel he was ‘one of the greats’? When would he know he had consolidated and solidified that legacy for himself? Many of the individuals who receive the accolades speak about legacy in their speeches and this got me thinking- do I get one? 

The chances of me being remembered for something I produced- a piece of work- is beyond slim but more importantly, it is not something I have any active control over. I cannot ensure that one day something I create will be deemed good enough to be recognised outside of my immediate world. 

What I do have control over is what I spend my time doing and how I do it. I knew a long time ago that there was a difference between wanting to ‘be a writer’ and wanting to ‘be published’. I could be a writer without anyone ever reading a single word. It had been the obsession with becoming ‘successful’ that had damaged my relationship with something I had always loved doing.

But, when it comes to creation, there will always be the debate surrounding whether something is worthy if no one ever experiences it, particularly if an aspect of the purpose of the creation was to have impact on others. Even to be remembered as a hard worker requires there to be someone else there to define me as such and so this is still to some extent seeking an external validation I have no control over. It is the infamous idea that taking a ‘fuck you’ attitude to the world still means you’re living by placing the outside world at the forefront of your mindset rather than yourself. 

Maybe it’s not about being remembered as anything, but rather remembering that knowing I’ve worked hard is all I really need.

I could write an entire book made up of only the words that have helped me through struggle. As a writer, it is inevitable that it is words I turn to to make sense of the world where others might turn to music or visual art. After several years, I realised that most of the words you come across are just re-worded versions of something that came before them but some words resonate with some and others with others. 

So, this post is a lot of words for a concept that someone far greater than me put into much better words a long time ago and if we were given only 16 words to read over and over for the rest of our lives, these would be mine: 

Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it. 

Gandhi